Falling Away
by burnyourheartaway
Summary: Loki wonders what Tony would say if he did show up like this, one night, nothing but darkness and hardly knowing if he'll hurt himself or the entire world. General angsting of snippets over the course of an unexpected relationship. Loki/Tony Stark, slash.


A/N: This is set I guess around the time of The Avengers, but with the obvious liberties taken for a movie that isn't out yet.

Tony Stark never cries. Loki knows that, with certainty, less than a minute after they meet for the first time. It's a party, Loki's here for his own amusement as much as to satisfy his curiosity about his not-brother's new friends. Stark's attention is everywhere and nowhere, eyes skimming appreciatively over the array of attractive guests but the underlying boredom never shifting. Stark introduces himself, intention so obvious that Loki can't help but smirk. They're both a little surprised that the other is capable of holding their attention, matching wits so casually. Stark is genuinely amused, yet his smile never quite reaches his eyes, his expression is always guarded. Cleverly, but Loki always was hard to fool. This is someone unhealthy, almost broken but still so strong. Loki can't deny the urge to try for tears is there, but tries not to think about the desire to get _any_ kind of reaction that almost has him confessing his identity. Instead he says something clever and vaguely memorable. He can feel Stark's gaze following him as he walks away.

The next time they meet, excluding those entertaining battles of good vs. evil, or whatever term might be more appropriate, they're supposed to be enemies. Stark has all the facts, should only see Loki as a villain, but does nothing to apprehend him or alert the others to his location. Loki's too busy wondering why he hasn't seized his own opportunity - so easy, in such a quiet bar and Stark without his suit - to question the other's motives. Stark's words are accusatory and should be harsh, but there's no real venom in his tone and Loki's very aware of the sense of being studied, everything he does being observed with genuine curiosity. Stark's the kind of person that takes things apart to see how they work, Loki realises, and wonders if that's what his aim is now. Loki easily changes the tone of conversation with a lick of his lips and a teasing smile. Now his aims are all based around corruption and it's so easy to drive Stark crazy with desire.

Their next few meetings have no words, just gasps and broken moans and sounds of _want_.

They don't meet for a while, don't even see or hear of each other. When they next meet, Tony's eyes have the tiniest hint of relief in them and Loki wonders when it was that they started worrying about each other. They talk a lot, skirting away from anything that hurts. Loki doesn't bother to lie about anything. Apparently this is no longer a game, if it ever was.

Loki starts visiting Tony at home and though they both know he shouldn't, it's a welcome relief from dark, sleepless nights. He wants to pretend it's selfish, but there are those nights that Tony looks so broken and Loki _needs_ to chase those demons away.

Sometimes, Tony looks at him as though he understands Loki's darkness, knows the workings of his mind. Sometimes, Tony looks straight through him with an expression Loki can't quite define, a half-smile but eyes filled with something sad and Loki pushes him against any available surface, lips locking rough and frantic, distracting, because nobody, _nobody_ can be allowed to look at him with anything remotely akin to pity. Before Tony, his reaction to that would have been a lot worse.

Loki understands that it would probably be better for Tony if he could cry, that it's a symptom of the problem Tony has, nothing to be envied. There are times when Loki can do nothing but cry. The part of his mind that is filled with rage and a thirst for vengeance leads him to dwell on things he wants to forget and then there's nothing but pain. He's trying not to think about things he can't _stop_ thinking about and there's no reprieve, too ashamed to let Tony see him like this. Better to be incapable of this than be so weak.

Loki wonders what Tony would say if he did show up like this, one night, nothing but darkness and hardly knowing if he'll hurt himself or the entire world.

There's a voice at the back of his mind, an urge he knows to be sick, telling him to see what it would take to make Tony cry. He allows the thought to expand, curious. Scenarios build in his mind, ranging from heartbreak to torture. A bubble of panic rises in his chest as he can't shake images of Tony's pain, Tony's blood. He makes a phone call, hands shaking and breathing barely controlled. Then there's Tony's teasing laugh and his voice that softens just a hint when he catches Loki's mood. Breaths flow easily and Loki curses his own mind for being such a traitor.

They're almost caught, by Loki's not-brother, of all people, after one of their rougher sessions. Always like that after those phases, Loki keeps his distance for as long as possible, then violent and needy and affirming. Excuses made and mess explained, Thor leaves and Loki takes a second to make his expression carefully neutral before becoming visible once more and meeting Tony's gaze. They both know that was too close, that this is too risky. Loki knows of the two of them, he has more ability to walk away, knows that he should. He understands if he was less selfish, he wouldn't have let it get this far.

The truth is, Loki's never going to be a hero. He doesn't have it in him anymore. He's not sure he ever did. He lets himself embrace the darkness of his mind more often than he probably should; he acts on impulses he should probably control. Though he's not even trying to do serious damage, he's too destructive to be anything other than one of the bad guys. Tony isn't the type for an intervention, never shows any more disapproval than occasional frowns and worried glances. Tony's not really a hero, either, despite the shiny suit and the often laughable concern for others. He's too damaged, and while being Iron Man damages him further in so many ways and will never be enough, it seems to provide some kind of relief or idea of redemption, so Loki doesn't ever question it.

The gang interrupts one of his sessions of total destruction. The first for a long time, more violent than usual, lack of sleep, nightmares and despite his reluctance to stop destroying things, despite the damage he tries to do to his not-brother, _Iron Man_ seems to be holding back. Later, when they're alone, Loki expects roughness and shouting and questions. He gets soft touches, whispers, feather-light kisses. Fingers stroking through his hair and a look Loki wishes he couldn't read. The desperation in Tony's eyes, the understanding, the need to be trusted and to _heal_... it makes Loki's chest so tight, overwhelming, his eyes sting and as much as he tries to pull away, those arms hold him close. Whispered promises that Loki shouldn't believe, can't allow himself to believe. He doesn't know if he's capable of what Tony's asking of him, but Tony's scared of this thing between them too, too scared to say the word _love_ even now. Tony's scared of rejection, too, and Loki knows that's the reason he'll take this chance. Pressing his face to Tony's shoulder, he draws a shaky breath and starts to explain. He chokes on words like _father_ and_jotun_, but it isn't until he explains letting go that he starts to cry. Tony's hold tightens as he explains how he got to earth, the falling, falling that seemed to last for lifetimes and the whole time stuck in his mind, thinking only of pain and loss and betrayal and guilt. His sobbing is uncontrollable but he can't stop, needs to get it out and tells Tony that's when he lost his mind. After that he runs out of words. Tony's grip is almost painful but it's good, feels right, and Tony's voice breaks more than once as he mutters reassurances. The tears run out and Loki allows himself to sleep, Tony's voice still soft in his ear.


End file.
